King or Queen of the Pirates
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: A parody of the reality show Pirate Master.  Forgive me, but it had to be done.


King or Queen of the Pirates

Note: Since the latest "pirate rage" that has broken out recently after the adoration Pirates of the Caribbean has received, I have decided to write a parody of the reality show Pirate Master with the crew of One Piece. Methinks the Captain, James Starling, has his work cut out for him.

CAST

Luffy—Red

Zolo—Black

Sanji—Red

Nami—Black

Vivi—Red

Chopper—Black

Usopp—Red

Kaya—Black

Kuina—Red

Nojiko—Black

Nico Robin—Red

Franky—Black

Members on Red: 6

Members on Black: 6

Equally matched…But not for long.

Chapter 1—Friends Turned Into Enemies

Captain James Starling had never thought he would be meeting small-screen celebrities, but the characters of the anime One Piece, but he had no clue as to how closely knit the friends were. Even though they were well aware they would be participating in a reality show and all of their actions would be caught on camera (and that there was a sizeable amount of treasure involved), they were used to having the limelight focused upon them.

When the group of friends had been brought together, the crew discussed to them the rules of the game and how it was to be played. There would be a Council of the Brotherhood by the end of every week in which one member of the crew was voted off. That member wouldn't have the chance to win the grand prize, which was the equivalent of $10,000 in cold, hard cash. Everyone, particularly Nami, wanted to get their hands on that prize, but there would be obstacles and twists and turns as the game progressed. The first was splitting the friends up into teams. Luffy, Sanji, Vivi, Usopp, Kuina, and Nico Robin were in the red group together, Zolo, Nami, Chopper, Kaya, Nojiko and Franky were in the black crew. From this moment, the friends had been turned into "enemies". Neither one of the groups liked this much, but they would have to deal with it for the time being.

Chapter 2—Captain James Starling Lays Down the Law

When James had found that the crew had sneaked aboard kegs of rum he nearly flipped his bandana but he laid down the rules very distinctly for the red and black crew.

"Firstly, there will be no more alcohol on the _Bounty_ since this is a family program and we don't wish to give children bad role models to follow. Secondly, you will follow my command at all times. Should there be a mutiny, I have the power to throw any one of you off of the show for good and you won't compete again. Thirdly, and lastly, I have confiscated your weapons. Should there be any arguments, I don't wish to clean up the mess afterwards. Again, since this is a family program, we cannot allow violence or possible killing. Besides, we really don't want my producers or the company to get sued now, do we ?", James said, sternly. The crews mumbled amongst each other and agreed.

"No, not at all. Everyone, listen to the Captain. He knows what's what.", Usopp stated, with a raised first. Though the rest of them knew Usopp was brownnosing slightly, he did have a good point. All of them would try to remain upon the Captain's good side, but Luffy had other plans.

Chapter 3—Luffy Throws a Party, Without Permission

The red-headed tyrant of the _Bounty _had gone island-side to start hunting and gathering materials for food, which would more than likely be coconuts and fish yet again. After a while, one got used to the meager pickings that the sea and island had to offer but it was better than having nothing at all. Fortunately, neither crew had to suffer through not having food since they had to hunt it themselves, but being in this game had caused them to lose some weight. Already Franky had been voted out so the black crew was at a disadvantage. However, the black crew hadn't backed down. They were still a powerful force. What neither crew knew was Luffy was most assuredly up to something. Luffy was a devious little actor, though he never meant it or decidedly acted like he was being mischievous. It simply came naturally. While the Captain was out, he had found his hidden keys and unlocked the Captain's quarters. Inside, there were many kegs of rum, many of which had been untapped. Having not tasted rum in a while, Luffy was craving some, as one can imagine. Without a second thought, he wrapped his rubbery arms around all the kegs and came out to the deck of the _Bounty_.

"Hey, everyone, I've got RUM !", Luffy shouted at the top of his lungs.

"No…really ? Don't tell me !", Vivi said, becoming worried that the words that were about to come out of Luffy's mouth would be consequential.

"See this ? Check it out !", Luffy said, giving everyone a pint. Most of the crew took it without a second thought. The Princess, who didn't dare drink wine, decided to pass and gave the extra pint back to its "owner".

"I shouldn't be doing this, but Luffy's revelry is so contagious ! I haven't had this much fun since I snuck out with Usopp's Veggie Pirates on that quest we took.", Kaya said, hugging Usopp's arm. Usopp blushed a little, remembering the quest ended in them finding small treasure hidden in a mountain region somewhere. Neither one of them had recalled where the quest had taken place, but once the Veggie Pirates were gone, Usopp pretended to have married her with a large ruby. He could only hope that would be reality someday, though he never had the courage to tell Kaya that.

All of the crew members had begun to become drunk and Sanji had confiscated some of the gourmet items in the kitchen. He prepared a meal so sumptuous the crews thought they were royalty.

"Why couldn't we have thought of this earlier ?", Nami questioned, eating greedily.

"I don't know, but damn this is exceptional food.", Nico Robin agreed.

"I'm glad you are satisfied, my pets. Now, for dessert…", Sanji said, kissing all the girls on deck until Nami snatched him up and bathed him in sloppy but romantic kisses.

"Now now, little skirt chasing cook…You're _my_ sweet thing.", she said, snuggling him.

"Oh, dear Lord I think I am in heaven.", Sanji said in a dreamy voice before drifting off into sleep. She laughed and soon fell asleep herself. Suddenly there was a loud blast and everyone awoke or screamed with a start. Vivi, the only innocent one, sadly was the one to rat them all out.

"What in the name of The Flying Dutchman is going on here ?", Starling bellowed, his baby-blue eyes aflame with rage. Vivi had explained what had happened and essentially turned herself into an enemy of everyone who was still playing the game in the search of the "ultimate treasure".

"Thanks a lot, Princess. Way to pull in for your friends.", Nami said, in frustration. Vivi tried to explain she had meant no harm in what she did, but everyone had heard enough. From now on, Vivi was going to be on her own in every aspect of the show.

Chapter 4—The Steaks are Raised

The pirate's council that evening was rather dour and serious, considering that Luffy had broken one of Starling's cardinal rules. He was even more upset that all of his rum was gone and there would be no more rum left to drink during the rest of the trip to the final island where the big bucks were supposedly buried. Needless to say, Starling was miffed and he was seeing red, namely the red shirt of one charlatan thief who guzzled his last pint of alcohol.

"There isn't much to be said here, I would wager. Seeing as I am quite irate, we are having a vote-off tonight. Pirates, take your quills and do your worst.", Starling said as he watched the pirates dip their quills in ink and write down the name of the one they wished to vote off.

"One vote Kuina. One vote Vivi. Another vote for Vivi. That's two for Vivi. Three votes for Vivi. One more vote and you will have to hand your bandana over to me. Four votes Vivi…Vivi, step forward.", Starling said. After what Vivi had done she had a feeling that she would be the one leaving that night.

"I'll miss you ma chere. Don't forget me, beautiful.", Sanji said, blowing her kisses, to which Nami replied with a hard blow to his abdomen, causing him to nearly swallow his cigarette.

"Ow ! What did you do that for, my little crepe suzette ?", Sanji joked, trying to cozy up to Nami again, and she simply rolled her eyes, sticking her nose up in the air in a huff.

The red and black crews were now evenly matched since two members had been voted off, but now the steaks had been raised. There would be a reworking of the crews. New crews would be formed with both red and black members and the crews would have to develop new names. The new crews were ordered like this: Luffy, Zolo, Sanji, Chopper, and Nami and the second crew, Usopp, Kaya, Kuino, Nojiko, and Nico Robin. The first crew was of course, "Luffy's Band" and the second was "Usopp's Crew". Usopp was feeling rather fortunate having a bevy of beauties around him, since he was quite the lady's man himself but he had learned from Sanji (who liked to call himself "the Master".)

Chapter 5—Set Sail

After the _Bounty _docked at the next island, Luffy's Band and Usopp's crew split up to begin looking for the treasure themselves. Nami had been following clues along the way and thought she had been getting close to discovering the booty for herself. She kept all of this information hidden, and she was certain no one else knew. However, Sanji had a feeling that Nami was being more secretive than usual, and he knew one way to get that information from her, by tempting her with ideas of meals he would make for her once they had returned to their "usual lives."

"Oh my little cream puff !", Sanji said, following after his teammate.

"Ah ! Hey, Sanji ! You scared me half to death. I didn't know you were following me.", Nami said, holding her map close to her chest and breathing hard. She didn't wish for her teammate to see the map, even though she knew they were on the same team. She had a feeling that Sanji wanted to obtain that information from her even though they were supposed to be looking for the prize together.

"I didn't mean to frighten you, my sweet soufflé. I was just wondering if you were keeping something from me.", Sanji said, as he hugged her from behind, slipping his hands under hers and taking her information from her.

"You can't see that ! It's mine !", Nami said, angrily as she tried to take the map back from him. She was truthful, because only recently she had found the map on another island quite by accident and had been keeping it a secret from everyone else. She didn't have any immunity items to keep her from being voted off at another pirate's council, but it didn't matter. She held the most important piece of information that any of the contestant's could've desired.

Sanji's eyes poured over the map and he knocked himself in the head.

"I should've known. It was under my nose the whole time. How could I have been so blind ?", he thought to himself as Nami continued to grab for the map.

"You shouldn't be so violent, sugar. Even though technically I am going to be King, I will treat you to the finest meal you could have anywhere.", Sanji said, with a sly, foxy grin.

"I wouldn't mind that. It beats having to eat coconuts and seafood day after day.", Nami answered, pleasantly as he moved in to catch her off guard with a kiss.

"It's only a betrayal because I'm playing a game…", he said, as the two continued to kiss.

Their tender moment was cut short by the rest of Luffy's Band.

"Getting friendly with Nami again, huh ?", Luffy said, nudging his friend in the ribcage.

"I can't help it. She's just so sweet I have to take a nibble every now and then.", Sanji said, wiggling his eyebrows. Luffy pretended to gag and chuckled.

"Come on, we have to find that treasure. It's got to be here somewhere, right ?", Luffy said, pointing them in the opposite direction.

"I'll go with you, Luffy. Sanji can search on the other side of the island. We'll meet if either one finds the treasure first.", Nami said, waving goodbye to Sanji. Sanji was just inches from the treasure and the game was about to end until the Captain located Sanji on the island and took the conspicuously "hidden" map from his left pocket.

"I'm sorry mate, but I hate to break it to you. There are no true winners in the contest except me, the Captain. This is how a real pirate's life is. The scalawags locate the gold and the boss takes every last doubloon.", Starling stated, with a shark-like sneer.

"Oh, you have no idea how much I hate you right now, Captain.", Sanji said, angrily. He wanted to give the Captain a good kick to the head, but he realized that he would be sued and he would probably be sent to jail for assault. Stopping himself short of beating the Captain senseless he let the Captain lead him in the direction of the treasure, dug it up and lugged the treasure chest up to him.

"Aw, yeah. Payback ! Finally I won't have to put up with the lot of you losers any longer.", the Captain said. Sanji was about two seconds from snapping but he kept his cool.

After all, the Captain was the true king, and they were about to be sent back to their _real_ jobs and they would be paid much more than this show could ever offer them.

Epilogue 

The crews were friends once more after the "twist" in the plot had been revealed. Each of the cast members were interviewed about how they felt about the Captain's greed. None of them had many kind things to say about the Captain but they had learned about how stupid reality shows were. Upon being questioned if they would ever work for another reality show again, their collective response was "NO".

All the friends had been delivered to their cushy lives in Holly-weird. Sanji had provided the succulent meal Nami had asked for, and the others also were invited even though Nami secretly hoped the feast would be hers alone, but truthfully she was happy that everyone was being treated to a decent meal after going through hell on the ocean. After all, they had all deserved it, but they knew they would never, ever, EVER be caught on a reality show again. Greed had driven them (as well as stupidity in some cases), but they knew the better of it.

Lesson learned, and the mistake would never be committed again.

As for the Captain, he is back where he started, listening to people torture his eardrums with awful renditions of songs that no one likes or listens to any longer. Guess we can say that he got his comeuppance. That's what you get if you treat your crewmates badly.

The End


End file.
